Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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