I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
BRING THE BAGELS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
