Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want to fling myself into the sun
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
