Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
