Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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