I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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