You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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