I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
