There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
