it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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