My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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