3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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