I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You pole danced in your parka.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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