My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
