She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
