I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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