i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
two words: eviction party
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
