and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Come see our sink grown plant.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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