I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
