im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
