Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
