Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
