I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
