Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
