Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We need to get me chipped asap
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
