Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
