the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
