I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
