...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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