Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After last night, I could never be a politician.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize