Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
