Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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