You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
