I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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