Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
