If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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