Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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