I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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