Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
