xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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