the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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