Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
