woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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