i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
