I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
