mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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