White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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