I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
