So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
