I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize