Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
