I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
