Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
