I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I got inside last night via doggy door
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
