On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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