and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
