I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
