I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't put those talents on a resume
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
