my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize