is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
