I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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