you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
