I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
