girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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