I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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