I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
